Yes, that’s me LOL.
There is no question in my mind that I am attracted to women, I am more than 100% sure I am queer (even my dear brother –the queen he is- says that I eradiate a big rainbow flag on my face – I guess his point is that I look queer but I like make-up and try to look like a girl!)… I want to spend the rest of my life with a female partner, have a family with her, live/grow together, and just be happy ever after (I am a romantic and very much believe in love and happiness when you are with the right person).
However, my experiences on the lesbian world have been very limited… at times I thought I figured out how things work… but most of the time I have no idea and end up with a broken heart… I don’t know if a woman is into me or if a woman is lesbian or if I am doing the right things or if I am being too much or too little too pushy or too passive or what the deal is with all that mambo jambo… it is very hard, complicated, confussing, and time consuming… At times I think the whole deal is just ridiculous!
One night I was talking about this with my friends Gina and Emily and they told me that even though they have been in the lesbian world for a while (at least longer than me) it is just complicated! It is always hard to know who is into who and what is what… they pointed out that usually you get a friend and then a group of lesbian friends and that’s how you start the connections and then you date all of your friends in that circle LOL LOL. Oh boy! LOL It made me think of the sitcom Friends… everyone dated everyone!
Do I want that? It would be just weird to date your friend or a friend of a friend or ex of a friend or ex of an ex etc LOL… but then would you just let maybe the future mommy of your baby go by just because of all that connection complication? LOL… Am I thinking too much? Can there be just one person without all this ramifications that ends up being THE one? Can I just have that person and not go around and around in the lesbian world links/connections/collections? Or should I go around and around to figure things out? But I am not getting any younger… maybe that’s why I should go around and enjoy (as I told Gina – in a very kidding note-) “as much insignificant sex with no attachments and emotions with whatever girl crosses my path” LOL or just stay and cross my fingers that the right person will come but if that doesn’t happen then I don’t want to wake up one day when I am 65 alone and ask “what happened?”
At the same time, I am too much of an “old fashioned” woman and I believe in loving/having a strong connection with someone before moving into deeper more intimate levels; I like being nice, sweet, romantic, understanding, considerate, polite, the best I can be for my partner etc… but is that going to get me anywhere especially now in days? I think (and what I’ve seen and experienced) is that most of the “old fashioned” people like me end up being the best friend and not the leading role lady in the movies of life (if that makes sense)...
This Friday I had a good time volunteering… it gave me time to just clear my mind but at the same time think and feel too much… more than I expected… I saw almost all the people I know in Asheville and hanged out with them, which it is weird because I don’t know too many people LOL… I made some new connections and hopefully future friendships… but the deal is that some of them I thought to be gay/lesbian and they ended up being totally straight LOL uh? And all I had (as usually happens) were guys hitting on me… how come?? Maybe I am more opened and comfortable in the straight world that I end up with more straight friends and guys wanting to go out with me than making more gay/lesbian friends and girls wanting to go out with me LO?… Perhaps I need to switch gears and start really showing a rainbow flag or something LOL.
My gaydar is totally broken… and makes me question if I am less lesbian than what I think I am LOL… crazy isn’t it?
I guess I’ll figure things out… eventually… I have some years ahead of me before I start to freak out and end up with 20 cats, 25 Schnauzers, and living deep on the woods LOL LOL… ok too much!
Thanks to Gina for hanging out (or rescuing me from the straight world on Friday) and singing with me “I touch myself” in our way to the New French Bar… Thanks for putting up with me and my complicated/weird conversations LOL… you rock girl!
